Childhood Trauma

Attachment - Relational - Developmental

We are wired for attachment. This wiring is present at birth and is necessary for our survival. We attach so that we can be cared for. The attachment styles we form with our carers become relational templates that we continue using throughout our lives. They determine the way we think about and relate to: ourselves, others and our environment.

These templates are carried with us through life even if we can’t always remember how or why we acquired these relational patterns. We usually don’t remember events that happen before we are 3 years old because the language regions in the brain aren’t fully developed yet and this has an impact on how we store and integrate memories. And yet the templates are still there, and the same feelings get elicited whenever we are faced with similar behaviours from others later on in life.

When the attachments formed with our carers or significant others are not good enough, there may be what we call relational or developmental trauma. Our psyche develops coping mechanisms to help us survive during the difficult times. However, as we grow older and our circumstances change, our psyche might remain stuck in those times and continue using the same coping mechanisms. This may go on to affect our future relationships as we continue to use relational templates that are not fit for purpose anymore.

Moreover, because these traumas are created within relationships, we tend to be drawn to form relationships with people who possess similar characteristics to the people who caused the trauma in the first place. We do this in the hope that the current relationship will heal the wound caused in past relationships. But because the people we choose are similar to the ones who caused the original wound, the likelihood is that the same thing happens again.

In therapy, we explore these relational templates which helped us survive at some point in our lives, and eventually we let go of the things that are now getting in the way of forming positive, meaningful and connected relationships.

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